Sometimes all we want most in life is just to fit in. To find our tribe. To feel understood. To just get out and enjoy the things others seem to enjoy. 'Normal activities'. But what if these seemingly 'normal activities' feel like climbing Everest to you? Consume you with fear? Paralyze you? It can make it hard to accomplish that whole 'fitting in' thing. That is living with Panic Disorder.
Take the movies for example- seems normal enough. I love the movies now, but there was a time when all I could think about was "Oh crap, what if we have to sit in the middle of the row?" (Apparently the best spot for viewing...) I needed to sit by the aisle for a quick exit in case of an anxiety emergency!
“I had to feel in control of the situation somehow, since everything else in the activity seemed to be outside my control. So what could I control here? My location. ”
What about a field trip? Taking a bus or shuttle anywhere... omigod, don't even get me started. I HAD to sit in the first row or I wasn't going. Even just watching those double doors shut as I realize some random person is going to have my life (and sanity) in his hands for the next hour was torturous.
The list goes on and on, but I preferred to be the nearest to the exit if I was going to be anywhere, or at least closest to the restroom, to hide out if need be. I had to feel in control of the situation somehow, since everything else in the activity seemed to be outside my control. So what could I control here? My location.
That was my 'safety'. I could control not attending an event. I could control skipping class. I could control my participation. After reading thoroughly about the concept of 'safeties', and how they were not conducive in your path to recovery from anxious thoughts, I was annoyed. I needed to have control of something, or I just wouldn't go- I just wouldn't do it. And that started happening a lot.
For those of you that don't know, 'safeties' are habits or objects that help you feel either superstitiously safe and in control, or actually changes your state of being (such as leaving the situation or taking medication).
Ask most therapists that help people overcome anxiety, and they will tell you that carrying objects or medicine with you that help you 'not panic', is detrimental to your recovery. You need to suck it up and face your fears! Or as they calmly put it, 'exposure therapy'.
“Your diet and level of physical activity shape you on a cellular level, and each time you eat well, each time you workout, you get stronger and more capable of continuing the habit...”
I knew this though: anxiety is a vicious, vicious cycle. It's true... your mind does need to alter it's perception of your surroundings in order to comprehend you're safe, and ultimately mitigate your fear. And this change does happen after repeated exposure. But if your mind is not yet strong enough to have this muscle memory, your body will send it uncomfortable signals forever- to just get up and run.
I'm sure you know by now that your mind and body are so very intimately intertwined. That's why we hear about the importance of practicing yoga, mindfulness, exercise, and the whole 30/paleo/vegan/younameit diet all the time. Your diet and level of physical activity shape you on a cellular level, and each time you eat well, each time you workout, you get stronger and more capable of continuing the habit due to muscle memory, the balancing out of hormones, and happy chemicals firing throughout your body. And THINK about it- even those things are hard for the average Jane to start making habits. If most people find it challenging to start, how can we expect those suffering from deep anxieties to suddenly spring up and make a change in themselves?
So here is what I realized. I personally needed a hand to hold. I told the safeties portion of the anti-anxiety workbook I was reading where to shove it, and I came up with something that worked. See, I didn't always have people around me that understand my Panic Disorder, but I knew I had an issue that was fixable, and I would have figure out how to do it.
Like I mentioned in my first blog entry, I built myself a little safety kit. In it, I put in it all the things that might make me feel better when I was in an uncomfortable situation, and then sought out to just go do things. 'Normal things'. Sitting in the backseat of cars on long trips, sleeping over someone's house, going to networking events... you name it. When I started to feel uncomfortable I would pull something out of the bag (usually a mint or a lavender sachet), and enjoy that for a bit. This habit allowed me to sit through the uncomfortability, even for just a bit longer than I normally would.
“So here is the truth for anyone out there that thinks they can’t make it through something that causes them anxiety or fear. THERE IS NO WEAKNESS IN HAVING HELP. Do what YOU need to do to get better.”
And suddenly I was doing stuff. Always with my Peachy pack, maybe, but no longer avoiding situations. After repeated exposure to many outings, camping trips, flights, festivals, etc... my physical symptoms of anxiety started easing up on me. It was wonderful! I was able to gain clarity on things I actually did and didn't like, instead of just not liking anything. I still don't like sloppy music festivals, but I do love a good concert! I still may not do Bay to Breakers (but seriously, SF comedy GOLD), but I do run the Santa Cruz Wharf to Wharf every year. I've been able to do what I have always wanted to do- try new things. If I don't like them, fine, but don't say I didn't try.
I don't think I would have been able to build up my comfortability in exposure exercises if it hadn't been for the Peachy pack. I now find I rarely need it, and sometimes forget it's there. It sits quietly in my purse, ready to save me at a moments notice. It's even helped me go after the things I want most in life- like helping others. If it hadn't helped me this immensely, I would not have had the courage or the willpower to start my own company! I would have sat forever in that painfully anxious state; paralyzed by the thought of trying something new. That's what I want to pass on.
So here is the truth for anyone out there that thinks they can't make it through something that causes them anxiety or fear. THERE IS NO WEAKNESS IN HAVING HELP. Do what you need to do to get better. Little by little, any forward progress counts. Don't be afraid to get help where you need it, as long as it's in a healthy and legal manner. Healing takes time. Find something that helps you feel secure, put it in your pocket, and walk outside. There's freedom in security.